Lately my memory swarms with remembered moments from my past, so many memories that I can't sleep, food has no taste, and nothing holds any enjoyment. I see it over and over, every small mistake, every lapse in judgement. All the small things I took for granted. And it doesn't help that it's all the more obvious now that i'm going home to start over. From scratch. And the insomnia beckons more memories of my first bout. What caused my first trip into no sleepy land. The gulf that separated me from everyone I once held dear. The look in my eyes as I stared at them. They only just started to trust me again, and I'm turning back into that creature. Will he be able to save me again? Is it just coincidence that he came back now, just as I am slipping back into that old facade? Who knows? I only hope it is the case. I don't want to put my parents through that again.

I've got insomnia again....it really sucks. No, you don't get it. Not sleeping REALLY sucks. I'm going to try and find a way to start sleeping again, but like the last time this happened, I'm sure I won't be able to unless its time.

I think the worst part is the boredom. When you have all that time, you really run out of things to do.

How do you define true love? I define it as the emotion that defines the person you would do anything for, who comes before you in your list of importance, who keeps you up at night thinking about them, and who you think about when you wake in the morning. The person who when you try to define love, their image is in your head. The person who you could spend forever with and it still wouldn't be enough time! I believe true love is hard to ignore, and it changes you when you experience it.

This includes a change when you decide to stop running from it, stop hiding, and stop decieving yourself, and just accept the truth that you are in love, you found that person, and you're done trying to escape the inevitable. Then is when the nightmares end, the demons who chase your thoughts, saying "you'll always be alone, you're never going to lose that empty feeling," JUST KILLS THOSE THOUGHTS DEAD!

I have ascended to the level of understanding that eluded me for so long. Nothing you say can hurt me anymore. I KNOW where I'm meant to be, and who will be there with me.

Never Before has a song hit it so close to home for me...

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you.

Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Come lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there!

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

(Solo)

Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes now I see it!

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm the one who waits,
The one who waits for you

Oh what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?
(So I dub thee unforgiven)

Oh, what I've felt
Oh, what I've known!

I take this key (never free)
And I bury it (never me) in you
Because you're unforgiven too

Never free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven too!

Just thinking and thinking and thinking lately about my life, my options my choices. I have discovered one thing in myself that I didn't know I had. Strength enough to be alone for awhile. You can't imagine how hard it is to be alone, when the rift opens inside you and you can feel your body rip into shreds. But I think my Art and writing can be the way around that. and maybe, if I'm lucky, I can even get some contentment out of it. My main purpose will be to just let myself be around people without creating attachments. And when I'm alone, read write, draw, paint, work, something. Anything to keep my mind off of the void in my heart.